Faith

I recently received an email from someone that included this saying "If God brings you to it - He will bring you through it."

I started to think God must have a ton of faith in me because I sure feel like he has given me a lot to deal with. So I asked myself, have I been able to reciprocate that faith to him? Maybe that's why he has chosen to test me in all these ways is to see if I will turn to him.

Maybe the cynic in me has brought this up but I have never been one to turn to others for help and I have wanted to fight my own battles in my own private purgatory of despair.

One of my best friends wrote to me recently, "God loves you Joe. And I don't say that as a flippant answer to your loneliness...I say that because it's true. He created you...He knows every hair on your head...and He knows what you're going through right now. He knows when you're hurting, and he wants to comfort you. All you need to do for this comfort is to reach out and ask for it..."Ask, and it shall be given to you; seek, and you shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you." (Luke 11:9) Talk to Him Joe...It doesn't have to be any great proclamation...there are no eloquent words you must use...Just talk to Him. If you can't find quiet time, do it in the car on your way home! Lay your worries on Him, and he will take them from you...He will renew your heart. It is only through Him that you will find true fulfillment..."

She is a wise friend.

So as I take this next step in my life I turned to you and ask for help and guidance. It is time to return the faith you have for me and begin to live my life for you.

Bottled Emotions

Everyone needs a good cry sometimes.

It has been a good while since my last good cry and I am not sure why.

I would like to believe it is because I am happy but I think I have become unable to express my feelings.

Being a man you are told you must restrain yourself and act like things don't bother you.

Things do bother me and I get sad and I want to cry but at last no tears.

Has the well gone dry or have I just over tightened the spigots?

Now I am afraid if I try to loosen them because I may never be able to shut them off.

I yearn to set myself free..............

Letter to my son....

I decided recently to start a journal of letters to my 10 month old son that I will give to him when he gets older. Here is the first entry....

January 26, 2005

Alex,

Well today you are 10 months old and you are the apple of my eye to say the least. As I rocked you to sleep tonight I decided that I wanted to give you something special so I decided to keep this journal for you. I am going to come here and write to you occasionally over your childhood and when you get older I am going to share this with you.

As I held you close to my chest tonight and sang lullabys in your ear I tried to lock that memory in my head for eternity. You have grown so quickly the last ten months and you are getting so big. A couple of weeks ago you were 25 pounds and 30 inches tall. You have come a long way since being in intensive care.

You are crawling like a crazy baby and can pull up on everything. You love to open the cabinets in the kitchen and play with the pots and pans. You are beginning to like the Teletubbies which I was hoping you wouldn't. You are just so full of energy. You have a little temper but it is still very cute. We play a lot and you love when I do the "body slam" on you. You giggle and laugh all the time. The talking is coming along with some dada's, mama's and baba's. You really want to walk but you have mastered the speed crawl.

After I get home from work every night we play and then I get to bath you. After your bath I read to you and give you a bottle and rock you to sleep. This is the best part of my day and I wouldn't trade it for the world. Soon we will be playing catch and riding bikes together but for now I will soak up every second of getting to snuggle you.

If over time I don't say it enough to you, I love you Alex.

Love,

Dad

Fear

As we go through life wandering the one thing that hinders us is our fears. It causes us to not take chances on things that we are not sure about. It pushes us into corners and acts as a bully towards progression. A man without fear is percieved as extreme while a man with to much fear is a coward. Our caculated risks are what we hope to determine if we can avoid leaning one way or the other. Maybe the fact is, fear is our mind's way of telling us where the line is drawn for each of us. Fear could be what truly defines us in the end! So I would say fear not, the story always ends the same way anyways.

Loneliness

I used to think that you had to be alone to feel lonely, I was wrong. I am surrounded by people but I am without a friend. I used to crave solitude, now I dread it. I always wanted more but I missed out on what I had.

Destination Unknown

I was driving my car this morning towards an appointment and I started to think what if I just get on the freeway and drive to a destination unknown! I wish I could just let go some times without thinking about tomorrow or ten years from now and live free. Free from the daily grind we all endure.

I should go somewhere that no one knows who I am and reinvent myself. I could become Bob the plumber or Tom the tow truck driver and leave it all behind. Simplify my life without all material things.

If it were only that simple everyone would do it and we would live in a crazy free world of people constantly trying to change who they are. Maybe as we aspire to be someone else, we are missing out on who we really are. I think that life may just be a series of unknown destinations that we navigate to the best of our abilities without crashing too much.

Manic Monday's

Why is Monday such a dreaded day? I woke up this morning feeling great and then it became a Monday as the day progressed. The bad news is now I am only a week away from the next one. Manic Monday, man do I wish it were a Sunday!

A child's eyes

Recently I had my first child and he is a little miracle. When I first laid my eyes on Alex I was not sure what to think. How was I to raise him? How could I be responsible for another human being, when I am barely responsible for myself? Now as he gets close to six months old I realize that I have been given a chance to show him the world. I will explain to him what a double steal is in baseball, I will teach him how to tie his shoes, and I will try to explain girls the best I can. As a child eyes are innocent and unaware of the world that surrounds them, for that I am blessed. Looking in his eyes I yearn again to be a child who has so much to learn, yet I realize I am a man who has so much to learn.